So I was going through a phase this summer during which I had a lot of anxiety. I have amazing people in my life..I'm doing really well for myself at my new job.. everyone thought I was happy. I was blessed with all these wonderful things, but I did not have the strength to guard those blessings. I realize the things I've been through in the past really caught up to me and I had all these internal triggers and sensitivities I did not realize I had. I felt really intense about every little thing and I couldn't relax; I wasn't breathing. It started to affect my friendships and my productivity level. I was not in tune with anything, especially my spiritual life. The problem wasn't just that I had fallen.. it was that I was staying down. Then.. it hit me. I was floating around without anything to ground me and looking to all the wrong outlets to fix me, when really the strength to have faith that everything is good was within me.
Lately, I have been reading and meditating on the Bible every morning and every night - I didn't realize just how much wisdom and calm is in the scriptures that I had been ignoring for so long. More and more, I feel more in control of my emotions. I went to Hillsong last week and the message was about how in life, we can't always choose where we are - like a hotel, but we can choose what our view is.. Do you want a crappy view? Or do you want an ocean view or a skyline view? Similarly, do you want to look out the window of worry, or do you want to look out the window of worship? Life is all about perspective... Worrying leads to more worries which leads to one doing things that leads to more worries and comes back ultimately as worries. Worship.. being thankful, positive, having faith, being calm really only leads to more reasons to worship. I wish I had realized this sooner before I set off on a really destructive path for the past few months, but I am truly grateful for the moments I have been having in faith and to be on this soul-searching journey. Sad it took some hurt to get to the place of clarity, but I know that even though I've fallen, Jesus intercedes for me with the Father.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:6-10